I get a more than a little irritated at the way television and other media portray bipolar disorder, aka manic depression. I know that medication makes a huge difference, but I think that there is a part of this condition that is not a curse but a gift.
I have been afflicted by this gift most of my adult life, but never thought of it as a condition until it was diagnosed as such. I had been through the depressive phases as a teen and just thought it was typical teen angst. I was told during my freshman year of college, that I needed to suck it up and my momma needed to "take me off the tit". Nice language from the assistant dean, with a degree in psychology, huh? I was always accused of being moody. I just thought I was a 'night owl' and never realized it was hypomania. In fact, I never thought there was anything wrong with me. I always thought my racing thoughts as being gifted, part of what gave me the ability to read over 1k words per minute with 100% comprehension. I just figured it was sort of like my mildly eidetic memory (not perfect, polluted by tons of ridiculous minutiae). Who knew?
I firmly aver that were I not diagnosed, I would be merrily tripping through life in blessed ignorance. I remember a time when my Avon district manager (the 1st during the ten years I sold) said she had to replay my messages several times to catch everything I said. She theorized I talked so fast, because I was trying to keep up with my mind which was going 90 miles per hour.
The way I see it, what psychology calls bipolar disorder is just a mind that does not know it is supposed to calm down and allow the body to rest. It is like a brain with no OFF switch. This alone would not be problematic, except the human body requires rest to recharge. Without this critical down time, the body weakens, tires, and the mind begins to experience errors in judgment. Exhaustion seems to be what triggers the depressive phases. The perfect metaphor is a dog 'worrying' a bone. He gnaws and gnaws at it, unable to leave it alone. Most of my depressive states occurred when I had some sort of sad experience or fnancial worry. When I would try to go to sleep, my mind would seize this worry or sadness and become so consumed with it till it overwhelmed all my waking and sleeping moments. Kind of like a record being stuck on an endless loop repeating the same phrase over and over. It was probably some one with bipolar disorder that came up with brainwashing and torture techniques by emulating what their own mind did to them.
After the crash and resulting downtime, comes the building euphoria, known as mania or hypomania, depending on extent of behavior. For me, it would be feeling too wide awake to sleep when I was younger, and 4 am shopping trips to wal-mart in more recent days. Being a little manic is such an exuberant state. It can be such a rush.
It is completely understandable why bipolars go off meds. It is difficult to find the med that best offers you the balance to have down time to rest without being depressed and the energy to enjoy life without being practically catatonic. My 1st year medicated, I basically lost that year. I was almost catatonic, to the point that I didn't care about anything or anyone. At least it seemed that way. My doctor tried steadily decreasing doses of the most popular med at that time, but even at half the lowest dose, I was still basically nonfunctional. I cringe every time I see this med being advertised on tv. My system was way too sensitive for classic meds. I ended up with a mild antidepressant that has the benefit of being thought to help my diabetic neuropathy. I am probably slightly manic much of the time, but I never was extremely manic. I can enjoy life on an intellectual basis at least. My diabetes still tends to be a drag physically.
I title this blog the gift of bipoolar because of a book I read early in my marriage because of Ralph having two types of dyslexia. It focused on what you CAN do, not what you can't. I feel this way about being bipolar.
I embrace the life I have, because, all I am, who am, is because of all I experience. This wisdom was courtesy of Star Trek, we are the sum total of our experiences. Change one experience, one obstacle, and you change your entire person.
I am at peace with who I am, and I choose to be me!
No comments:
Post a Comment