(This post is dedicated to Aiden Anthony Rossi, who left this world far to early, and his mom & dad, Kasey & Brandon, our hearts go out to you...)
An Open Letter to Kasey & Brandon (& anyone who has ever lost a child born too soon)
I titled this post, "My Heart will go on..", yes, the song from Titanic. I am including the lyrics at the end of this post. When you read them, this will make sense.
Kasey, you were born on or around Father's Day. It stands out vividly in my mind because when Ralph & I went out on our second date, we took your aunt Carla over to visit you. You were beautiful right from the beginning of your life and still are. That was the day Uncle Ralph asked me to marry him (he didn't waste time). We were in love and in a hurry to get our lives together started. I got pregnant early on. Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I figured to be close to 20 weeks when we finally saw the doctor. The test said I was definitely pregnant, but the doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat so he sent us for an ultrasound. The placenta had remained, but the fetus was no longer there. We lost the pregnancy without even being aware it was happening. I had to have a d & c, but we had no baby to say goodbye to. Well meaning relatives offered all the usual words that were supposed to comfort us. Each word felt like a knife through the heart. All I knew, was that the baby I had felt moving and had fallen in love with was gone. I grieved, and felt broken to my soul. I didn't want comfort, I wanted my baby back.
People offered tons of advice, even suggesting we maybe shouldn't have kids. (could you even dream of a world without Julia?!?!) It was a really painful time because it seemed like everyone else in the world was having babies. There was a baby boom where Uncle Ralph & I worked. I remember finding out a coworker & friend was having a baby and she was single. She wasn't even sure the father wanted to be involved. It just seemed so unfair. I was so certain I would never get over the loss. I would start to function and when I least expected it, the grief would hit me again. After only a couple of months trying, I was pregnant again, but I was so afraid. I remember sitting and looking at the test and crying and being so afraid it wouldn't last. I had so many problems carrying Julia because of my obesity and the complications of that pregnancy. I had placenta previa where the placenta attaches at or over the cervix. I nearly lost her and was put on bedrest in hopes as the placenta grew, it would grow upwards. It did, but then I was hit with gestational diabetes, and toxemia/preeclampsia. She was premature, either 4, 6, or 8 weeks depending on which doctor you asked. You obviously know she survived. Still, I remember looking at her after she was born, wondering if I was dreaming or she was really mine and here, even though she was the only girl born that week.
Her arrival, made the loss that went before bittersweet. As much as we wanted that baby, had it survived, we wouldn't have had her. I will always miss that little baby that I always thought of as a boy (Ralph & I would have named it after him). I don't know why we had to go through the pain of that loss, and I won't this side of Heaven. I just trust that God had a reason. It still hurts after all these years. I won't lie and say it doesn't. My heart has gone on, it had to for Juli's sake and my own. There are times through the years the subject of the baby that would have been comes up. I think of him as an angel that watches over Juli.
No one can tell you how you will get through the pain, but you will. Your mom is a survivor and she raised all of you to be survivors too. She can be a great comfort to you having been through the same thing. I know my mom helped me survive, because she knew, she had been there.
My heart goes out to you and Brandon. I have walked this path too. Each of us walks the path through grief in our own way. Don't let anyone diminish your grief
An Open Letter to Kasey & Brandon (& anyone who has ever lost a child born too soon)
I titled this post, "My Heart will go on..", yes, the song from Titanic. I am including the lyrics at the end of this post. When you read them, this will make sense.
Kasey, you were born on or around Father's Day. It stands out vividly in my mind because when Ralph & I went out on our second date, we took your aunt Carla over to visit you. You were beautiful right from the beginning of your life and still are. That was the day Uncle Ralph asked me to marry him (he didn't waste time). We were in love and in a hurry to get our lives together started. I got pregnant early on. Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I figured to be close to 20 weeks when we finally saw the doctor. The test said I was definitely pregnant, but the doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat so he sent us for an ultrasound. The placenta had remained, but the fetus was no longer there. We lost the pregnancy without even being aware it was happening. I had to have a d & c, but we had no baby to say goodbye to. Well meaning relatives offered all the usual words that were supposed to comfort us. Each word felt like a knife through the heart. All I knew, was that the baby I had felt moving and had fallen in love with was gone. I grieved, and felt broken to my soul. I didn't want comfort, I wanted my baby back.
People offered tons of advice, even suggesting we maybe shouldn't have kids. (could you even dream of a world without Julia?!?!) It was a really painful time because it seemed like everyone else in the world was having babies. There was a baby boom where Uncle Ralph & I worked. I remember finding out a coworker & friend was having a baby and she was single. She wasn't even sure the father wanted to be involved. It just seemed so unfair. I was so certain I would never get over the loss. I would start to function and when I least expected it, the grief would hit me again. After only a couple of months trying, I was pregnant again, but I was so afraid. I remember sitting and looking at the test and crying and being so afraid it wouldn't last. I had so many problems carrying Julia because of my obesity and the complications of that pregnancy. I had placenta previa where the placenta attaches at or over the cervix. I nearly lost her and was put on bedrest in hopes as the placenta grew, it would grow upwards. It did, but then I was hit with gestational diabetes, and toxemia/preeclampsia. She was premature, either 4, 6, or 8 weeks depending on which doctor you asked. You obviously know she survived. Still, I remember looking at her after she was born, wondering if I was dreaming or she was really mine and here, even though she was the only girl born that week.
Her arrival, made the loss that went before bittersweet. As much as we wanted that baby, had it survived, we wouldn't have had her. I will always miss that little baby that I always thought of as a boy (Ralph & I would have named it after him). I don't know why we had to go through the pain of that loss, and I won't this side of Heaven. I just trust that God had a reason. It still hurts after all these years. I won't lie and say it doesn't. My heart has gone on, it had to for Juli's sake and my own. There are times through the years the subject of the baby that would have been comes up. I think of him as an angel that watches over Juli.
No one can tell you how you will get through the pain, but you will. Your mom is a survivor and she raised all of you to be survivors too. She can be a great comfort to you having been through the same thing. I know my mom helped me survive, because she knew, she had been there.
My heart goes out to you and Brandon. I have walked this path too. Each of us walks the path through grief in our own way. Don't let anyone diminish your grief
in any way. Ignore anyone, even if they mean well, that start a phrase with, it was probably for the best, or it wasn't meant to be. No matter how short a life is, it always matters. Aiden may have been here too briefly, but he was beautiful and had meaning and purpose. God took this precious angel home too early by our wishes. I pray His comfort over you. When we are curled up in our deepest grief, we are that little child resting in God's hand as He carries us through our grief to what lies ahead. May you find peace. Know that God loves Aiden so much, and He's holding him for you, until the time we all are together in Heaven.
I promised the lyrics to you:
(if the link doesn't show up when I publish, they are on videos on youtube, the video I used was 'myheart will go on lyrics posted by dalekGASP, beautiful, I tried 3 times to embed)
I promised the lyrics to you:
(if the link doesn't show up when I publish, they are on videos on youtube, the video I used was 'myheart will go on lyrics posted by dalekGASP, beautiful, I tried 3 times to embed)
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